it’s hard to know exactly when something starts. sometimes i can look back and say that because i did this one thing or had this one thought, my life to this point has been different. like identifying a fork in the road in the past when i happened to be driving in the dark. conversely, many times i look back and say, i did this and this and this and it’s all a jumble of nudges and ideas and false starts that circuitously led me to where i am today.
in the movies they try to make it pretty obvious. someone has an idea or a goal, and they work to achieve it. i assume many people in real life live their lives that way. i want to work in X, where X is politics or public health or performance art (i admit i’m often skeptical of those sorts of firm yet abstract goals) and so i need to do/cultivate A, B, and C (certain jobs/experiences) in order to have the perfect credentials/pedigree to ascend to X at some point in the future.
“small pieces loosely joined” is probably more representational of my life philosophy. i know i want to work on interesting projects, which hopefully involve me learning new things, solving challenging problems, and collaborating with other people, but that’s not much to go on. as i currently work in an IT capacity, it’s all too easy for me to forget that it’s not my goal to become a world-class programmer/hacker.
this meandering life philosophy is nice except for when i’m passing between two small pieces, and i find myself floating in a loose joint. which i guess is where i am right now. unsure. and so i’m starting to plan for the next cluster of possibly unrelated small pieces. at the same time i know that society doesn’t value randomness (climbing the ladder is more important than horizontal exploration) because a lack of perserverance is often the cause of a random life.
i want to believe i’m seeking something (my life’s work? a good time? something to keep my mind occupied and my hands away from the devil?) and either my life will end somewhere in the course of that journey, or at some indefinite point greater than 10 years in the future, the small pieces will resemble some coherent whole, i’ll believe i’ve found what i’ve been seeking, and i’ll do that.