on gay marriage

people have been getting married left and right in san francisco lately. people who up till now were denied the ability to do so. when i hear people say that gay marriage is our generation’s civil rights issue, i say hell yeah. it makes me angry to think that a majority of the government could come out so strongly against something that i believe is essentially a human right: to form relationships based on love. (thankfully a good number of educated judges have exposed conflicts between state anti-discrimination laws and existing marriage statutes).

so i hear stories about people lining up at city hall and walking out with marriage licenses, and i say, hell yeah that’s the way to do it. no awkward traditional/obligatory weddings. just a partner, some identification, and a kiss.

but then i realized i’ve walked into a sort of trap. what’s happening in san francisco makes me happy because more people are exercising freedom they didn’t have days earlier. but i worry about the essence of what they’re doing. i worry that they’re buying into the belief that the state should sanction the most intimate relationships. isn’t that something we all need to be moving away from?

Thursday, February 26, 2004 3:04am
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6 comments

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el jefe
2/26/04 8:29am

I think the difference is the distinction between marriage as a religious/spirtual bond and marriage as a legal distinction.

Sorry if I made people flinch with the R word…
you know who you are…

Melanie
2/26/04 8:44am

even those married by clergy have to be recognized by the state to count as “married”

el jefe
2/26/04 4:17pm

Sure but you don’t have to be married by clergy. You can just get a license from some government schmoe

kristina
2/26/04 9:03pm

yes, yes, and yes.

I’m with you on all of this, including the weird feeling about what it all means.

I tend to think of marriage more as a social contract between people. To support and take care of one another and children should there be any. And state involvement in that contract makes more sense to me than when people talk about marriage as the ultimate expression of romantic love (this definition makes me uncomfortable) and government involvement in that.

A friend of mine says marriage is now one of those useless words where you have to explain what you mean by it. I concur, and add that the conflation of the religious with the state contract issue makes it particularly difficult to parse…

…ramble ramble ramble…

none of you SILS kids were at happy hour this afternoon! I stopped in and the place was absolutely empty. Even the bartender was not in sight at first. A little snow falls and look what happens… :-)

Alice
3/2/04 7:20pm

Okay….important topic.

Justin is right that queer theorists would argue that we need to move away from this social construction that is essentially discriminatory and has serious affects on how our society views gender roles in relationships. But the marriages in San Fran. were civil disobedience at the core and therefore, I think activists would be excited about any ability to mess with this social institution. I also think that by same-sex couples marrying, we are essentially able to undo many of the preconceived notions about gender and its role in relationships. We often think of even same-sex couples as having a “bitch” and a “butch,” but with more and more couples able to get “hitched” that notion will change and we will be able to truly see a different arrangement.

But beyond this…my problem with the marriages in San Francisco (and this is very minor) is that they miss the point. One of the reasons same-sex couples are so desperate to get the acknowledgement is because of the social support that comes with marriage. It’s not just about taxes and inheritance. The difference between girlfriend and wife is very serious in our culture and same-sex couples deserve to have those close relationships recognized for being as equally serious as those of the heterosexual counterparts. With that acknowlegement comes “pressure” (whether good or bad) to stay together and to make things work out. Marriage is a stabling force to some extent and the marriages in San Fran. are only flawed in their “thrown together” feeling - without the appropriate social support from friends and family that comes with ceremony.

Riley
11/10/06 5:44am

marriage is our right not a privelage people cant help who they love and if they love a member of the same sex thats their own choice not the governments